I Want Him/Her to Like Me!

Since my last post, I've received the following question:  What if I really like someone and I present myself authentically, and I don't get the response I want -- he/she just doesn't seem to be attracted to me?

It's a hard reality to face when the one who kindles your passion doesn't seem to be interested in you.  As difficult as it may be, it's important to bring yourself back into contact with your inner self and be open to the feelings, sensations, and thoughts which have been stirred up by the other's apparent lack of interest. 

Do you feel rejected?  Depressed?  Embarrassed?  Angry?... 

Do you feel that you are uninteresting?  Unattractive?  A failure or a loser?... 

Do you feel like you've fallen into an abyss?  Stepped on hot coals?  Been beaten up or kicked aside?...

Do you sense tears forming?  Miscles tightening?  Face heating up?  Hands sweating?  Heart pounding?...

Do you notice thoughts about wanting to hide?  Lashing out?  Comparing yourself to someone?  Blaming yourself or someone else?  Getting back at someone?  Forcing someone to see your true worth?  Trying a different approach with this person?...

Whatever feelings, sensations, and thoughts you notice, be open to them.  Be in the here and now with them.  Be inquisitive about them.  This doesn't mean you wallow in them, but simply that you don't reject them and that you allow their presence to lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself.  What can you find out about yourself from your reactions?  Whatever it is that you find out, be careful not to criticize yourself.  In noticing, you're asking to learn from yourself -- without bringing judgment, either negative or positive.

With this attitude of inquiry, you allow yourself to grow.  Sometimes that growth involves learning that the person you approached wasn't really right for you in the first place, and maybe seeing something about him or her that you didn't see earlier.  It might involve acknowledging that you didn't approach him or her as authentically as you initially thought.  It could tell you that your expectations were too grand.  In some cases, it will show you that you somehow set yourself up for "failure."  It may lead to an understanding that the apparent rejection wasn't about you at all but about something in the other person's experience.  And there are myriad other possibilities, all from being in the here and now with yourself.

As you show up to yourself, your authenticity blossoms.

Dating and the Spiritually Inclined

Continuing my attention to relationships and spirituality, I want to address a question that frequently comes my way.  That is, how does a spiritual person enter the dating scene, when most dating advice has to do with creating an impression, transmitting the "right kind" of energy, leading with a sexual edge, and avoiding putting all your cards on the table?  What about authenticity and being true to one's inner being?

Dating gurus may be talking generally to an audience which is not spiritually tuned in, but I've found that in many cases their advice can be "translated" into messages that are good for the soul.  Let's translate this one, for example: "You have only one chance to make a good first impression."  If it sounds like an invitation for inauthenticity, ask yourself the following questions:  Do you meet someone with your heart open or are your first meetings typically more guarded or more controlling?  Do you view chance meetings or dating set-ups skeptically or from the perspective of a deep knowing that everyone who comes into your life has something to teach you?  Do you relax into yourself when getting to know someone, or do you either close the door on your inner being or try to force your inner being into the other person's face (or lap)?  Is the first impression you make born of the balance that is inherent in your deepest nature or of some sort of control you try to apply to it?

If you're like me, the "first impression" you want to make is one of realness, truth, and integrity.  It's the way you want to be.  It's you being here, now.  Focusing on the "impression" you're going to make can be a way of reminding yourself to let yourself be, here and now. 

Your presence does impress itself on the souls of the people you meet.  Does it make an impression of the truth at the core of your being?  You have only one chance to relax into this moment, right here, right now.

I Do My Spiritual Practices, So Why haven't I Found My Soulmate?

How many times have I heard this question?  Clients tell me all the time about a sense of hopelessness regarding the "pay-off" of their spiritual practices.  "I've done so much work on myself, I meditate, I tune into my body, I'm in touch with my heart, I observe my thoughts, I practice gratitude every day, and still Mr. or Ms. Right hasn't shown up in my life.  What's wrong with me?"

I asnwer, "Take some slow, deep breaths, settle into your body, feel your seat in your chair and your feet on the floor, and ask the question again.  What's wrong with you?...  The question itself indicates a disconnect within yourself, doesn't it?  Can you tune in to that?  Can you begin to sense a division within yourself, as you assume that something is wrong with you, that you're supposed to be something other than who you are, that there's fault to be applied to some aspect of yourself when you don't get what you want, that your destiny is precisely of your choosing, that you're capable of willing a situation into existence?"

"Yes," the response usually comes back to me, softer now and from a deeper place than the original question.  "I do feel that.  I recognize that I'm pressuring myself and taking a negative attitude toward myself.  I don't want to do that to myself.  I'm glad I can see it.  And yet... I feel so ready for a relationship....  And what about the Law of Attraction?"

"I'm sure the Law of Attraction is operative," I say.  "We do attract what we are, what we live.  And we find that what we attract isn't always what we expect.  From that deep space of our inner selves, we can ask for a miracle, for all the universe has to offer, and when we abide there in that deep space, we can receive miracles.  When they don't seem to appear, we need to do more questioning:

• Am I asking for a miracle from the deepest part of me I can find? 
• Am I staying open, allowing that deepest part to be touched by a miracle?
• Am I acknowledging the miracles, large and small, that show up in my life?
• Am I allowing for the possibility that not all miracles look alike or look like I expect them to?
• Am I releasing control to the universe, or God, or whatever I call the Divine?

So I invite you to keep practicing, keep attuning to your deepest nature, stay on your path, and keep inquiring."