I was thinking about Step 1 of the 12 Steps and the idea of acceptance. To admit we are powerless over our own or others’ compulsions is to accept the reality of them. Okay, but then what do we do? Stop the reality? Give in to it? Turn it over to a Higher Power and go hang out somewhere else?
Acceptance is not a simple term, and real acceptance is a mighty process involving one moment of surrender after another. To accept reality is to allow it fully without either judgment or preference. When I surrender or allow, I neither reject nor approve of reality as it is, I don’t defend myself against it or give up in the face of it, I don’t turn my back on it, and neither do I invite it; rather, I let go and let it be.
What does it mean to let a compulsion “be”? Or to let my helplessness “be”? They are part of me, aren’t they? I’m responsible for them, right? I like the answer from A. H. Almaas: “First, you realize that you are rejecting and pushing.”
We tend to defend our compulsions or try to push them away and reject them. But when we can look at them objectively as traps or trances or jesters that take us away from the truth of who we are inside, then we can cease to identify with them and begin to understand them lovingly. We come to understand that we are human beings with frailties, that we easily become trapped or entranced or duped by our frailties, that when we are at their mercy we have forgotten how to love ourselves. We begin to accept this, and we stop defending and rejecting ourselves and serenely surrender to the truth of the moment, that all we can do is “the next right thing.” And then we feel something like a blessing, a benediction, a protection, an inner knowing… a real acceptance.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Many paths to God
Using different words and stories, most of the world’s religions and spiritual paths teach the same values. Only when dogma is placed before values do they look really different. So when I teach the Enneagram or the 12 Steps, my message is wholly in line with that of my Protestant upbringing, just as it jives with the beliefs of my Jewish friends, my Hindu friends, my Buddhist friends, and spiritual people the world over.
The bottom line for all these spiritual traditions is being fully present to a deeper reality, where true love and wisdom exist. You don’t have to be religious or consider yourself spiritual to seek love, wisdom, and depth — one of the reasons I resonate so with the Enneagram and the 12 Steps. They are tools for anyone who desires a richer life.
I discovered the Enneagram about ten years ago as I sought a personality theory that accounted for more than the standard theores I had learned about as I trained in and then practiced psychology; without attending to the spiritual aspect of our natures, these theories seemed flat. Once I made the discovery, I could never look back but only go deeper and deeper into it, seeking and learning more and finding that it was like an eternal spring; it kept offering me more, and it still does. It quenches the thirst only to reveal deeper thirst, a process which is amazing — gratifying and life-giving. It teaches that indeed you have to lose yourself to find yourself, and through it you come to want that absolutely.
I have stayed with the Enneagram all this time and during these years was also led to rediscover the 12 Steps, to which I had been introduced when I worked as a psychologist in substance abuse treatment programs. In these programs you meet the most courageous people, and you see how the 12 Steps, the Serenity Prayer, and other “standards” of AA, NA, and the like guide people from despair to hope and beyond. Though it had been a few years since I worked in those programs, at a certain point recovering addicts began to be drawn to my practice, and I began working with them to strengthen their attunement to the Steps and to their inner selves. Helping them, I began living with the Steps in my own life and finding their power in times of struggle.
The Enneagram and the 12 Steps have become entwined as guides for me in my life — and so important that I felt called to make them the linchpins of my professional life. That’s why my therapy and coaching practice is now geared to help people via the principles of the Enneagram, the 12 Steps, and my clients’ personal spiritual directions.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
The bottom line for all these spiritual traditions is being fully present to a deeper reality, where true love and wisdom exist. You don’t have to be religious or consider yourself spiritual to seek love, wisdom, and depth — one of the reasons I resonate so with the Enneagram and the 12 Steps. They are tools for anyone who desires a richer life.
I discovered the Enneagram about ten years ago as I sought a personality theory that accounted for more than the standard theores I had learned about as I trained in and then practiced psychology; without attending to the spiritual aspect of our natures, these theories seemed flat. Once I made the discovery, I could never look back but only go deeper and deeper into it, seeking and learning more and finding that it was like an eternal spring; it kept offering me more, and it still does. It quenches the thirst only to reveal deeper thirst, a process which is amazing — gratifying and life-giving. It teaches that indeed you have to lose yourself to find yourself, and through it you come to want that absolutely.
I have stayed with the Enneagram all this time and during these years was also led to rediscover the 12 Steps, to which I had been introduced when I worked as a psychologist in substance abuse treatment programs. In these programs you meet the most courageous people, and you see how the 12 Steps, the Serenity Prayer, and other “standards” of AA, NA, and the like guide people from despair to hope and beyond. Though it had been a few years since I worked in those programs, at a certain point recovering addicts began to be drawn to my practice, and I began working with them to strengthen their attunement to the Steps and to their inner selves. Helping them, I began living with the Steps in my own life and finding their power in times of struggle.
The Enneagram and the 12 Steps have become entwined as guides for me in my life — and so important that I felt called to make them the linchpins of my professional life. That’s why my therapy and coaching practice is now geared to help people via the principles of the Enneagram, the 12 Steps, and my clients’ personal spiritual directions.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Why do I matter?
So many people tell me they didn’t feel worthy of putting money and time into their own personal growth and didn’t seek out therapy or life coaching until they thought about the impact they have on other people. Here are some of their comments:
“I wanted to feel better about myself, but I didn’t want to do anything that would take away from my family. Then one day it dawned on me that every time I snapped at my wife and daughters I was hurting them. So I looked you up and asked for help. I was actually surprised at how happy it made my family.”
“It was always my dream to find my real purpose in life, and I kept putting it off because my son needed this or my aging parents needed that or my friends seemed more desperate than I did. When I bit the bullet and said to myself, “You need this,” I began to lighten up and wasn’t so anxious all the time, and I noticed that people around me responded so positively. I was kind of shocked but looking back, I can see how I was never my best with them because I didn’t feel free to be who I really am at my core, and who I really am is so much more appealing to them than the way I used to be. I’m more productive too and have lots more to give now.”
“You know, I was always mad about the way my family treated me. They made me feel like I was the one with all the problems and yet I didn’t deserve to reach out for help, like my life was supposed to revolve around them. It took a long time, but I finally did it. I knew I had to find a way out of that trap. When I realized that I was the one keeping myself there and not them, I was able to rise above the fray, and it began to make a difference in my family. Suddenly things were a little more peaceful for everybody, and when we do argue, I’m able to step back and see that I can keep the argument going or I can contribute to the peace process, it’s my choice. We’re all calmer now and can talk.”
As these comments make clear, we all have an impact on other people. If we’re grumpy or anxious, depressed or isolated, we affect the people we come into contact with, and not in a positive way. We all make a difference in this world, and through our individual growth and centering we contribute to the world around us, often profoundly.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
“I wanted to feel better about myself, but I didn’t want to do anything that would take away from my family. Then one day it dawned on me that every time I snapped at my wife and daughters I was hurting them. So I looked you up and asked for help. I was actually surprised at how happy it made my family.”
“It was always my dream to find my real purpose in life, and I kept putting it off because my son needed this or my aging parents needed that or my friends seemed more desperate than I did. When I bit the bullet and said to myself, “You need this,” I began to lighten up and wasn’t so anxious all the time, and I noticed that people around me responded so positively. I was kind of shocked but looking back, I can see how I was never my best with them because I didn’t feel free to be who I really am at my core, and who I really am is so much more appealing to them than the way I used to be. I’m more productive too and have lots more to give now.”
“You know, I was always mad about the way my family treated me. They made me feel like I was the one with all the problems and yet I didn’t deserve to reach out for help, like my life was supposed to revolve around them. It took a long time, but I finally did it. I knew I had to find a way out of that trap. When I realized that I was the one keeping myself there and not them, I was able to rise above the fray, and it began to make a difference in my family. Suddenly things were a little more peaceful for everybody, and when we do argue, I’m able to step back and see that I can keep the argument going or I can contribute to the peace process, it’s my choice. We’re all calmer now and can talk.”
As these comments make clear, we all have an impact on other people. If we’re grumpy or anxious, depressed or isolated, we affect the people we come into contact with, and not in a positive way. We all make a difference in this world, and through our individual growth and centering we contribute to the world around us, often profoundly.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
The 12 steps: simple, not easy
The 12 Steps are simple, but living according to the 12 Steps can seem like another matter altogether. AA members have a saying about this: It’s simple but it ain’t easy!
When you’re a member of a 12-Step fellowship, you are encouraged to find a sponsor, who will help you to understand and apply the 12 Steps. If you’re not a member of a fellowship and believe the 12 Steps might help you live a better life, then find a therapist or life coach who is intimately familiar with the 12 Steps and will agree to teach and guide you. Even if you are a fellowship member and have a sponsor, you might want extra support in understanding the steps more deeply and using them more fully and in that case, working with the same kind of therapist or coach can be an intensely satisfying experience.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
When you’re a member of a 12-Step fellowship, you are encouraged to find a sponsor, who will help you to understand and apply the 12 Steps. If you’re not a member of a fellowship and believe the 12 Steps might help you live a better life, then find a therapist or life coach who is intimately familiar with the 12 Steps and will agree to teach and guide you. Even if you are a fellowship member and have a sponsor, you might want extra support in understanding the steps more deeply and using them more fully and in that case, working with the same kind of therapist or coach can be an intensely satisfying experience.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Aren't the 12 steps for addicts and alcoholics?
The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous serve as the basis for many 12-Step programs — Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Love Addicts Anonymous, just to name a few — and I find that they provide a good spiritual and cognitive-behavioral grounding for any of us who have problems.
Problems are part of human life, and that means the 12 Steps could be applicable to just about everyone. Let’s see how it works:
One of my clients came to realize that he was being limited in life by an almost unconscious bias against people who held positions of authority. He couldn’t avoid supervisors and security guards at work, and there were times when he had to interact with police officers, representatives of the DMV, and others charged with enforcing rules in society. But he always seemed to approach them with an “attitude,” sometimes creating trouble that didn’t exist in the first place.
I introduced this man to the 12 Steps, substituting the word “problem” for “alcoholism” or “addiction,” and we used the Steps as a basis for him to come to terms with what kept getting in the way of his own happiness. At first he resisted — the Steps seemed like another form of authority for him to become upset about. But with study, discussion, reflection, and practice, he found that they gave him a certain freedom he had not experienced before. By accepting responsibility for his problem and working through it in a step-wise fashion, he gained serenity.
From bias to serenity, from troublemaker to calm adult, from resistance to acceptance and freedom. What a journey… and it took just 12 steps.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Problems are part of human life, and that means the 12 Steps could be applicable to just about everyone. Let’s see how it works:
One of my clients came to realize that he was being limited in life by an almost unconscious bias against people who held positions of authority. He couldn’t avoid supervisors and security guards at work, and there were times when he had to interact with police officers, representatives of the DMV, and others charged with enforcing rules in society. But he always seemed to approach them with an “attitude,” sometimes creating trouble that didn’t exist in the first place.
I introduced this man to the 12 Steps, substituting the word “problem” for “alcoholism” or “addiction,” and we used the Steps as a basis for him to come to terms with what kept getting in the way of his own happiness. At first he resisted — the Steps seemed like another form of authority for him to become upset about. But with study, discussion, reflection, and practice, he found that they gave him a certain freedom he had not experienced before. By accepting responsibility for his problem and working through it in a step-wise fashion, he gained serenity.
From bias to serenity, from troublemaker to calm adult, from resistance to acceptance and freedom. What a journey… and it took just 12 steps.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Do you have compulsions? Do I?
It sounds almost like a dirty word, compulsion. But if we get really honest with ourselves, we realize that we all have compulsions.
Perhaps you have one that’s easy to recognize: smoking, drinking too much, overeating, biting your nails, driving fast for that revved-up feeling it gives you, that type of thing. Did you know, however, that all of us have compulsions which keep us from feeling free? And that most of our compulsions we aren’t even aware of?
Take Carla, a woman I worked with in therapy several years ago. She came to see me because of problems in her marriage and family relationships, and she struggled for months in the pursuit of strategies to cause her loved ones to treat her better. But one day the light bulb switched on for Carla: She realized that her own personality structure was standing in her way of making her life better. It wasn’t her family that was keeping her imprisoned in misery; it was her own compulsive beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors. And those compulsions were things she could work on and affect, whereas she had no control over her family members. This is a form of enlightenment which is hopeful and life-giving.
The 12 Steps and the Enneagram are tools for becoming aware of your own compulsive patterns at deeper and deeper levels and then using that growing awareness to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I find that these tools are useful in my own life — for developing self-understanding, self-acceptance, compassion for myself and others, spiritual depth, and discernment.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Perhaps you have one that’s easy to recognize: smoking, drinking too much, overeating, biting your nails, driving fast for that revved-up feeling it gives you, that type of thing. Did you know, however, that all of us have compulsions which keep us from feeling free? And that most of our compulsions we aren’t even aware of?
Take Carla, a woman I worked with in therapy several years ago. She came to see me because of problems in her marriage and family relationships, and she struggled for months in the pursuit of strategies to cause her loved ones to treat her better. But one day the light bulb switched on for Carla: She realized that her own personality structure was standing in her way of making her life better. It wasn’t her family that was keeping her imprisoned in misery; it was her own compulsive beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors. And those compulsions were things she could work on and affect, whereas she had no control over her family members. This is a form of enlightenment which is hopeful and life-giving.
The 12 Steps and the Enneagram are tools for becoming aware of your own compulsive patterns at deeper and deeper levels and then using that growing awareness to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I find that these tools are useful in my own life — for developing self-understanding, self-acceptance, compassion for myself and others, spiritual depth, and discernment.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
The enneagram and the 12 steps
While the enneagram is a self-contained system, it can be used to support other paths to growth, such as the 12 Steps. The enneagram of the personality describes nine types of compulsions that lead to “powerlessness” and “unmanageability,” as referred to in the first step. The enneagram of holy ideas alludes to the second step’s “power greater than ourselves,” which is restorative. As we work further into the 12 steps, we find that the map of the enneagram can elucidate them and provide keys to our relationship with our higher power and with our deeper self.
As it turns out, most non-dogmatic spiritual systems are similar, posing questions for inner exploration and challenging us to give up our ego-selves in order to live life more abundantly from a deeper self which is in touch with spirit. We have to die in order to live, give our lives over in order to be free, lose ourselves to find ourselves. The twelfth step speaks of a spiritual awakening, and waking up is exactly what the enneagram and other spiritual systems encourage us to do.
I am grateful to my teachers of the ennegram, the 12 steps, and other spiritual paths for helping me to wake up and to keep waking myself up throughout this wondrous life.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
As it turns out, most non-dogmatic spiritual systems are similar, posing questions for inner exploration and challenging us to give up our ego-selves in order to live life more abundantly from a deeper self which is in touch with spirit. We have to die in order to live, give our lives over in order to be free, lose ourselves to find ourselves. The twelfth step speaks of a spiritual awakening, and waking up is exactly what the enneagram and other spiritual systems encourage us to do.
I am grateful to my teachers of the ennegram, the 12 steps, and other spiritual paths for helping me to wake up and to keep waking myself up throughout this wondrous life.
(For earlier posts not shown here, go to http://www.lablanche9.wordpress.com/.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)