Truth and radiance

One of the lessons from my childhood was to "tell the truth."  Then I learned that some lies are okay, even liked and rewarded.  When someone feigns confidence on-stage, for example, there is often applause, whereas showing one's own true lack of confidence there is likely to lead to humiliation.  Or if I portray my business as very successful, it seems to spawn more business, but if I talk honestly about the weak economy's negative impact on my business, I seem to gain little from it.

I've learned that the importance of "telling the truth" is relative. . . except in the sphere of deep reality, where discerning and telling My Truth is what matters most.  Deep reality bathes me in light and warmth.  It lies beneath my compulsive behaviors, my automatic thoughts, my feelings of shame and distress, buried by them to the extent that I forget to make contact with my depths.  It resides everywhere but is easily veiled by my busy mind, as it worries, ruminates, plans, goes over past events, creates ideas about other people's meanings, etc. 

When I tell myself My Deep Truth or allow that truth to speak to me, I begin to feel its radiance.  And the surprising thing is that others notice and actually comment on an apparent openness and radiance they sense in me.  Another surprising thing is that I seem to have found My Deep Truth by allowing myself not to know what it is and letting it emerge.

Light emerging from nothingness. . . it's an image that reminds me of the first part of the creation story, where light comes from the void and God calls it good.

I believe that all of us can find deep truth within ourselves.  It's often challenging and can take time, but never is it impossible.  Sometimes we need help from a spiritual guide or therapist to be able to surrender to not knowing and to let Deep Truth emerge. 

May you take the steps which are right for you to be able to locate your own Deep Truth.

Spaciousness and How the Spirit Sings

Funny, I've been listening to teachings on spaciousness, realizing how breathing all the way down into my own deep spaciousness begins to open me up to the Real in me, discussing spaciousness as the starting place with a friend who is facing an enormous task. . . and then this afternoon when I decided to take a break and look around on YouTube for some of my favorite singers, there it was again:  Spaciousness.

I listen mainly to classical music, and few things thrill me more than hearing a glorious voice with gorgeous execution, brilliant use of technique, causing music and singer to appear as one.  Having studied singing myself, I marvel at the melding of a performer's voice, conditioned breathing apparatus, finely honed muscular support, interpretive skill, and deep artistic feeling with wonderful music and lyrics.  I looked up Schubert's Ave Maria and listened to performances by Luciano Pavarotti, Barbara Bonney, and Susan Graham, each causing my eyes to well with tears, before going on to some favorite arias, just as powerful, and then clips of famous singers coaching young musicians. 

In a masterclass at Boston University, mezzo-soprano Denyce Graves worked first with an Asian-American bass-baritone.  She listened to his aria and decreed that he had a lovely voice, well placed, but was not giving it the space it needed to soar freely.  Using images and exercises, she helped him to create spaciousness, relaxing the voice and opening it metaphorically to a tall, wide cylinder of breath, no longer squeezed or limited. 

I imagined the cylinder for myself, with the spaciousness of the universe inside it, molecules roaming there or doing whatever molecules do without any sense of being compacted, riding on the breath of Being, able to be all that they are just as they are.  I believe I heard Spirit singing. 

I'm Stressed Out! Make It Stop! Don't Get Spiritual on Me!

Sometimes the stress of living is overwhelming, like a hailstorm with no end in sight.  It hurts, it's chaotic, it just won't let up.  You want to make it stop, and you can't.  At the same time, your spiritual teacher, your 12-Step group, or your therapist is telling you to let it be, to roll with it, not to take it personally, to appreciate the moment.  What?!?!?  They're kidding, right?

What's to appreciate about being pummelled?  How do you roll with it when you have too many responsibilities and too few hands to tackle them?  How is it not "personal" when your boyfriend says good-bye forever or you're fired from your job? 

To reckon with this sort of spiritual guidance means to take a different perspective altogether, and this is always hardest to do when the vicissitudes of the outside world seem to have control of you.  When you feel controlled by circumstances, your defenses go up, and when your defenses are up, you lose contact with your inner being.

Whatever the circumstances, your inner being is steady, calm, perceptive, and wise.  It waits for you to find it, and when you do, it will guide you to the extent that you stay open to it.  Your inner being knows that a more flexible you negotiates storms effectively, "rolls with" them.  It knows that when you are centered in yourself (not "self-centered," but centered in the depths of your inner being), you can let the outer world "be" and draw strength and courage from within.  It allows you to discern truth from falsehood, right action from re-action, and your responsibility from that of others.  In being with your deepest self, you are living in the moment. 

As I write this, the First of the Twelve Steps comes to mind.  It is openness to my inner being which allows me to admit that my egoic self, made up of all the defenses I have learned over a lifetime, is powerless and that manageability can come about only when I let my defenses loosen their hold.

I Want Him/Her to Like Me!

Since my last post, I've received the following question:  What if I really like someone and I present myself authentically, and I don't get the response I want -- he/she just doesn't seem to be attracted to me?

It's a hard reality to face when the one who kindles your passion doesn't seem to be interested in you.  As difficult as it may be, it's important to bring yourself back into contact with your inner self and be open to the feelings, sensations, and thoughts which have been stirred up by the other's apparent lack of interest. 

Do you feel rejected?  Depressed?  Embarrassed?  Angry?... 

Do you feel that you are uninteresting?  Unattractive?  A failure or a loser?... 

Do you feel like you've fallen into an abyss?  Stepped on hot coals?  Been beaten up or kicked aside?...

Do you sense tears forming?  Miscles tightening?  Face heating up?  Hands sweating?  Heart pounding?...

Do you notice thoughts about wanting to hide?  Lashing out?  Comparing yourself to someone?  Blaming yourself or someone else?  Getting back at someone?  Forcing someone to see your true worth?  Trying a different approach with this person?...

Whatever feelings, sensations, and thoughts you notice, be open to them.  Be in the here and now with them.  Be inquisitive about them.  This doesn't mean you wallow in them, but simply that you don't reject them and that you allow their presence to lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself.  What can you find out about yourself from your reactions?  Whatever it is that you find out, be careful not to criticize yourself.  In noticing, you're asking to learn from yourself -- without bringing judgment, either negative or positive.

With this attitude of inquiry, you allow yourself to grow.  Sometimes that growth involves learning that the person you approached wasn't really right for you in the first place, and maybe seeing something about him or her that you didn't see earlier.  It might involve acknowledging that you didn't approach him or her as authentically as you initially thought.  It could tell you that your expectations were too grand.  In some cases, it will show you that you somehow set yourself up for "failure."  It may lead to an understanding that the apparent rejection wasn't about you at all but about something in the other person's experience.  And there are myriad other possibilities, all from being in the here and now with yourself.

As you show up to yourself, your authenticity blossoms.

Dating and the Spiritually Inclined

Continuing my attention to relationships and spirituality, I want to address a question that frequently comes my way.  That is, how does a spiritual person enter the dating scene, when most dating advice has to do with creating an impression, transmitting the "right kind" of energy, leading with a sexual edge, and avoiding putting all your cards on the table?  What about authenticity and being true to one's inner being?

Dating gurus may be talking generally to an audience which is not spiritually tuned in, but I've found that in many cases their advice can be "translated" into messages that are good for the soul.  Let's translate this one, for example: "You have only one chance to make a good first impression."  If it sounds like an invitation for inauthenticity, ask yourself the following questions:  Do you meet someone with your heart open or are your first meetings typically more guarded or more controlling?  Do you view chance meetings or dating set-ups skeptically or from the perspective of a deep knowing that everyone who comes into your life has something to teach you?  Do you relax into yourself when getting to know someone, or do you either close the door on your inner being or try to force your inner being into the other person's face (or lap)?  Is the first impression you make born of the balance that is inherent in your deepest nature or of some sort of control you try to apply to it?

If you're like me, the "first impression" you want to make is one of realness, truth, and integrity.  It's the way you want to be.  It's you being here, now.  Focusing on the "impression" you're going to make can be a way of reminding yourself to let yourself be, here and now. 

Your presence does impress itself on the souls of the people you meet.  Does it make an impression of the truth at the core of your being?  You have only one chance to relax into this moment, right here, right now.

I Do My Spiritual Practices, So Why haven't I Found My Soulmate?

How many times have I heard this question?  Clients tell me all the time about a sense of hopelessness regarding the "pay-off" of their spiritual practices.  "I've done so much work on myself, I meditate, I tune into my body, I'm in touch with my heart, I observe my thoughts, I practice gratitude every day, and still Mr. or Ms. Right hasn't shown up in my life.  What's wrong with me?"

I asnwer, "Take some slow, deep breaths, settle into your body, feel your seat in your chair and your feet on the floor, and ask the question again.  What's wrong with you?...  The question itself indicates a disconnect within yourself, doesn't it?  Can you tune in to that?  Can you begin to sense a division within yourself, as you assume that something is wrong with you, that you're supposed to be something other than who you are, that there's fault to be applied to some aspect of yourself when you don't get what you want, that your destiny is precisely of your choosing, that you're capable of willing a situation into existence?"

"Yes," the response usually comes back to me, softer now and from a deeper place than the original question.  "I do feel that.  I recognize that I'm pressuring myself and taking a negative attitude toward myself.  I don't want to do that to myself.  I'm glad I can see it.  And yet... I feel so ready for a relationship....  And what about the Law of Attraction?"

"I'm sure the Law of Attraction is operative," I say.  "We do attract what we are, what we live.  And we find that what we attract isn't always what we expect.  From that deep space of our inner selves, we can ask for a miracle, for all the universe has to offer, and when we abide there in that deep space, we can receive miracles.  When they don't seem to appear, we need to do more questioning:

• Am I asking for a miracle from the deepest part of me I can find? 
• Am I staying open, allowing that deepest part to be touched by a miracle?
• Am I acknowledging the miracles, large and small, that show up in my life?
• Am I allowing for the possibility that not all miracles look alike or look like I expect them to?
• Am I releasing control to the universe, or God, or whatever I call the Divine?

So I invite you to keep practicing, keep attuning to your deepest nature, stay on your path, and keep inquiring."

How to Begin a Relationship

Several people have asked me to write about spirituality and relationships.  As with all beginnings, let's start with the breath.

Take some slow, deep breaths that go all the way down into your belly, and allow yourself to feel them as fully as possible. . . .  That is your life, right at your core and in your breathing.  Here is where you start a relationship.  It all begins with your relationship with yourself. 

Who is this being you find there in the breath, and what is your relationship with that inner self?  The character of this relationship forms the basis for your relationships with others.  The quality and depth of your intimacy with yourself determines the parameters of the intimacy you can have with someone else.

So notice what you find as you breathe:
What is it like to inhale slowly, to feel the breath in your belly as it resides there for a moment after the inhalation is complete, to exhale slowly, to feel the gap between the exhalation and the next in-breath?
What do you appreciate about your breath as you experience its movement?
What do you notice about yourself when you breathe deeply and slowly?
What holds you back from feeling your breath completely?
What keeps you from breathing further down into yourself than you do?

Experiential curiosity about our very breath leads us to experiential understanding of who we are, about who it is we take into relationship with others.

I'll continue this in my next post.  Meanwhile, breathe and notice.